Jokes

 A few jokes mostly on the Spiritual side but some may be a bit rude. 

What is a woman with ESP and PMS

A bitch who knows everything

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You
remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she
can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites
the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach
him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and
verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I
live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay
most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the
driver is so rude"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good
sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

 Pay special attention to the wording and spelling.

If you know the Bible, even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by the children. They have not been retouched or corrected the spelling.

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

 2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

 3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

 4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

 5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

 6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

 7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

 8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

 9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

 10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

 11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

 12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

 13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

 14. Solomon, one of David\'s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

 15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

 16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

 17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

 18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

 19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.

 20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomestone off the entrance.

 21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

 22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

 23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

 24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is, another name for marriage.

 25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Three Priests On Their Way Home

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well-endowed woman
wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very
nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three
pickets to Titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three
tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."
Mortified, he too fled.

The third priest moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three
tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes.
And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly
gates, St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you".

    Cleaning Tips
                        
Dirt:

 Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful
filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF
factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs:

Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the
glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If
your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply
look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" 
                       
Pet Hair:

 Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the
doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing
hand-sown play animals for underprivileged children.
                     
Guests:

 If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly
into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through
your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and
say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed
and the shots are SO expensive."

Dusting:

If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy
urn on the coffee table and insist that

"This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

 Cheese Scones

 An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
 impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese
 scones wafting up the stairs.
 He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
 Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
 with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
 crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door
frame,
 gazing into the kitchen.
 Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
 heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
 dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final
 act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to
it that he left this world a happy man?
 Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
 landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he
 could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly
 bringing him back to life.  The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at
the
edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by
his wife.
"F*** off... " she said, "they're for the funeral!!"

There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most?  What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.  He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split.  You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened.
I started to run as fast as I could and
he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants. 
    
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster
than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
say two Hail  Mary's!

Australian ghost story
 

True Australian Ghost Story - do not read if you have a weak heart.
This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like
an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true. John Bradford, a Sydney University
student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and
in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The
storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly
he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car
and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and
the engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the
road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for
his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the
window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.
John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped
out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and
asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the
horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when
they realized he was crying and... wasn't drunk. About 15 minutes later,
two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath.
Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the
other, "Look, Bruce....it's the bloody idiot that got in the car while we
were pushing it."

If you have any jokes please send them to me and will add to this page but keep them clean for the site although am interested in any funny stories or pictures.

Hope you enjoyed them.